Only losers pay taxes
Want to be a genius? Learn how to stiff everyone who wants your money.
I have always suspected I was a chump and a loser, but it wasn't until this past week that I realized the full magnitude of my stupidity. For my entire working life, I have paid income taxes — even when I was making $7,500 a year. As my salary climbed over the years, the tax percentage went up and up. Like a moron, I paid the full rate. My employers reported my income directly to the IRS, so I couldn't hide a penny of it; as a mere working stiff, I couldn't write off my lunches, my car, my clothes, and my hairdresser as business expenses. Pathetic! By failing to keep Uncle Sam's greedy mitts off my earnings, I failed in my fiduciary duty to my family and future heirs, and let my taxes be wasted on national defense, schools, clean air and water, medical research, and programs to keep the old and the poor from starving. What a schmuck I am!
It gets worse. When I gave modest amounts of money to charity, I stupidly took it out of my own pocket. If I'd been a winner, I would have started the Falk Foundation, bamboozled some wealthy social climbers into writing checks, and then taken total credit for my generosity while using Other People's Money. When I hired contractors and repairmen, I actually paid them the full amount that they billed me, instead of declaring their work shoddy and stiffing them. How dumb is that? If I'd been really, really smart, I would have borrowed billions, screwed the banks and creditors by declaring bankruptcy, and reported a loss of $916 million in one year, so I'd never have to pay income taxes again, even while I lived like Caligula. Thankfully, there's now hope for losers like me. When Donald Trump Makes America Great Again, we will all get the same tax breaks as billionaires, real-estate investors, and corporations, and win so much that we get bored of winning. You can tell by studying his life how much Mr. Trump cares about the little people, even if we're not geniuses like him.
Subscribe to The Week
Escape your echo chamber. Get the facts behind the news, plus analysis from multiple perspectives.
Sign up for The Week's Free Newsletters
From our morning news briefing to a weekly Good News Newsletter, get the best of The Week delivered directly to your inbox.
From our morning news briefing to a weekly Good News Newsletter, get the best of The Week delivered directly to your inbox.
Create an account with the same email registered to your subscription to unlock access.
Sign up for Today's Best Articles in your inbox
A free daily email with the biggest news stories of the day – and the best features from TheWeek.com
William Falk is editor-in-chief of The Week, and has held that role since the magazine's first issue in 2001. He has previously been a reporter, columnist, and editor at the Gannett Westchester Newspapers and at Newsday, where he was part of two reporting teams that won Pulitzer Prizes.
-
Indie film's 'very brief' use of AI sparks backlash and calls for boycotts
Talking Points Did the creators of a new horror movie make a deal with the artificial intelligence devil?
By Rafi Schwartz, The Week US Published
-
Could Taylor Swift swing the election?
Today's Big Question The pop star has outsized influence — and that extends beyond the music industry
By Anya Jaremko-Greenwold Published
-
Kevin Hart awarded Mark Twain Prize
Speed Read He is the 25th recipient of the prestigious comedy prize
By Peter Weber, The Week US Published
-
The debate about Biden's age and mental fitness
In Depth Some critics argue Biden is too old to run again. Does the argument have merit?
By Grayson Quay Published
-
How would a second Trump presidency affect Britain?
Today's Big Question Re-election of Republican frontrunner could threaten UK security, warns former head of secret service
By Harriet Marsden, The Week UK Published
-
'Rwanda plan is less a deterrent and more a bluff'
Instant Opinion Opinion, comment and editorials of the day
By The Week UK Published
-
Henry Kissinger dies aged 100: a complicated legacy?
Talking Point Top US diplomat and Nobel Peace Prize winner remembered as both foreign policy genius and war criminal
By Harriet Marsden, The Week UK Last updated
-
Trump’s rhetoric: a shift to 'straight-up Nazi talk'
Why everyone's talking about Would-be president's sinister language is backed by an incendiary policy agenda, say commentators
By The Week UK Published
-
More covfefe: is the world ready for a second Donald Trump presidency?
Today's Big Question Republican's re-election would be a 'nightmare' scenario for Europe, Ukraine and the West
By Sorcha Bradley, The Week UK Published
-
Xi-Biden meeting: what's in it for both leaders?
Today's Big Question Two superpowers seek to stabilise relations amid global turmoil but core issues of security, trade and Taiwan remain
By Harriet Marsden, The Week UK Published
-
Will North Korea take advantage of Israel-Hamas conflict?
Today's Big Question Pyongyang's ties with Russia are 'growing and dangerous' amid reports it sent weapons to Gaza
By Harriet Marsden, The Week UK Published