A day after the White House doctor revealed the results of President Trump's physical, "the nation is still reeling from the shocking news that our president is perfectly healthy," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. "Good news, 7th graders! Instead of 25 pushups and a mile run, from now on the presidential physical fitness test is going to be 25 Filet-O-Fishes and 3 hours of Fox & Friends."
According to the presidential physician, Trump is 6-foot-3 and 239 pounds, "but some people don't believe that — for instance, people," Colbert said. "Many of these people have started the 'girther' movement." Now, listen, he said. "I don't say this often, but we're being unfair to Donald Trump. I mean, no one looks good pictured next to one of the world's greatest athletes. For instance, I'm 5' 11" and 185 pounds, and I'm going to show you a picture of me next to an NFL player of that same height and weight — in hell. You're never going to see it."
The doctor also said Trump is mentally fit, but The Daily Show's Trevor Noah had some doubts about the cognition test Trump aced. "I can't believe part of the test for your president's mental health is to see if he can identify animals," he said. "Really, you're going to give him a rhino test? That sounds like a joke about African presidents. 'This is a lion, this is a rhino, and this is a camel.' 'Congratulations, sir, you're now the president of Uganda!'"
Tonight at 11/10c, Trump aces a cognitive exam that asks him to identify pictures of animals and name words that start with the letter “F.” pic.twitter.com/YgCgSqhHl4
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) January 18, 2018
At The Opposition, Jordan Klepper and Tim Baltz were totally convinced of Trump's excellent health, and Baltz said he knew Trump's secret to staying fit without exercise or a healthy diet. "The truth is, bazillions of Americans like the president and me get their workouts from raging out while hate-watching mainstream cable news," he said. You can learn about his regimen below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert read the Stormy Daniels account of her alleged tryst with Trump, so you don't have to
After The Wall Street Journal reported last week that a few weeks before the 2016 election, President Trump's personal lawyer paid adult film actress Stephanie "Stormy Daniels" Clifford $130,000 to stay quiet about an alleged 2006 extramarital affair with Trump — which Clifford now denies — In Touch magazine published a 2011 interview with her Wednesday evening in which she detailed her sexual encounter with the man who is now president of the United States.
"Trump can't stop this story because the interview was from 2011, before she signed her nondisclosure, and the magazine also verified Daniels' account with two sources at the time and had the actress take a polygraph," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. "Wow, maybe In Touch magazine should lead the Russia investigation." The alleged affair took place four months after Trump's wife, Melania, gave birth to Barron. "That's a classic pickup line," Colbert said: "Hey baby — is what my wife just gave birth to. You want to go to dinner?" Dinner was reportedly in Trump's hotel room, and the dress was casual, he recounted. "Sweatpants, eating in the bedroom — even back then he was preparing for the presidency."
Colbert walked through other details of Clifford's account, some of them kind of disturbing. "Brace yourself, folks, because Stormy also says Trump paid her his highest compliment for a lover: 'He told me ... I was someone to be reckoned with, beautiful and smart just like his daughter,'" Colbert said, breathing and heaving into a paper bag. "Quick question: Can child protective services take custody of an adult woman?" You can watch more below. Peter Weber
"All week long, President Trump has tried desperately to convince us that he is a stable, steady leader," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. "It was a nice act, but like many men his age, he can only keep it up for so long. Today he returned to the same unstable, reactionary president we've come to know and... know." He began with Trump's vulgar comments about Haiti, El Salvador, and African nations. "Sir, they're not 'shithole countries,'" Colbert said. "For one, Donald Trump isn't their president."
"But that wasn't the only packet of international crazy sauce he squirted out today," Colbert noted, mentioning Trump's statement that he "probably" has "a very good relationship" with North Korea's Kim Jong Un. "Probably? That is definitely terrifying," he said. "How do you not know if you have a relationship with someone?" Trump also claimed he knows "more about wedges than any human being that's lived," and Colbert found that plausible "Oh sir, you are a wedge," he said, pausing, "the simplest of tools."
Colbert also noted Trump's odd Twitter flip-flop on FISA, with a two-hour break between his break from his own position and his follow-up clarification, which ends, "Get smart!" "We need to get smart?" Colbert asked. "You're the only one live-tweeting a debate with yourself that you're losing!"
Colbert pointed to Trump's press conference with Norway's prime minister — in which Trump touted the sale of F-52 fighter jets, an "aircraft does not actually exist," he noted. "That's how good our stealth technology has gotten. We're making planes even we can't see." Trump also said he didn't think he would need to speak with Special Counsel Robert Mueller. "Yeah, why would Mueller want to interview Trump in an investigation about Trump?" Colbert asked. "I mean, watch any cop show: 'Excuse me, sir, the lab found blood stains in your car. I have zero questions, you're free to go.'" Peter Weber
"The president had another preposterous day today," Jimmy Kimmel sighed on Thursday's Kimmel Live. First he tweeted out one data point from a poll that was otherwise brutal for him, then he rejected a bipartisan deal for DACA immigrants. But it was the reason he rejected the DACA deal — it restored protections for immigrants from Haiti, El Salvador, and Africa — that caused the biggest splash. "Before I share specifically what he said," Kimmel began, "I would like you to keep in mind this is an actual quote from the actual president of the United States."
"Listen, I'm sure the fact the countries he described as 'shitholes' are mostly populated by people of color, and the immigrants he wants from Norway are not, is a coincidence," Kimmel deadpanned. "Because if it wasn't, it would mean we voted for a racist, like a real one, and we'd have to get pitchforks and chase him out of the White House." The White House didn't even bother denying Trump's comment. "It really is unfathomable — you just can't believe that this is the guy running our country," Kimmel said. "The only silver lining, and this is a small silver lining," was watching Wolf Blitzer say "s-hole" all day.
On The Daily Show, Trevor Noah said he'd planned to do a positive segment on Trump and the Koreas, but Trump just had to do something Trump. "Guys, I don't know how to break this to you, but I think the president might be racist," Noah said. "Personally, as someone from South Shithole, I'm offended, Mr. President." The whole comment is bad, but the part that "really put it over the line for me is Norway," he added. "When he said where he wanted immigrants to come from, he didn't just name a white country, he named the whitest country." He had a theory on how Trump picked Norway, too. Watch below. Peter Weber
President Trump "reached a major milestone yesterday, and I don't feel like this has gotten enough attention," Jimmy Kimmel said on Wednesday's Kimmel Live. According to The Washington Post, which has been keeping track, "Trump told his 2,000th lie since taking office. So happy lie2K everybody." Trump is "averaging 5.6 false claims a day — which is impressive considering the fact he's only working about 2.6 hours a day," Kimmel said. "He really packs it in."
Perhaps it's no coincidence that Trump is always telling people to believe him, Kimmel mused. "You think Abe Lincoln ever said 'Believe me'? Believe me, he did not." Still, the "volume of fiction" that comes out of Trump's mouth is impressive, he conceded. "Two thousand lies is an unprecedented achievement, so tonight we're going to look back at his many prevarications with a new mini-documentary that shows us how we got to this remarkable moment in misrepresentation." Watch the faux C-SPAN documentary, Pants of Fire: The Road to 2000 Lies, below. Peter Weber
Most of Wednesday's shock and awe at the revelations in Michael Wolff's new book, Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House, focused on things Stephen Bannon said about President Trump and his family. But "there's a lot of good stuff in this book," Jimmy Kimmel said on Thursday's Kimmel Live, listing some embarrassing or otherwise juicy tidbits Wolff wrote about Trump and his circle.
Then Kimmel read a passage highlighted by NBC's Katy Tur that described how Trump allegedly went about trying to seduce his friends' wives, in a very underhanded way, "like Fifty Shades of Orange or something," he said. "These are his friends! No wonder his only friends are Fox & Friends. Who does that to their friends?"
Wolff also writes that "almost everyone Trump hired has called him stupid," Kimmel paraphrased, arguing that Trump's involvement with the book kind of proves Wolff's point. "Why did these idiots let [Wolff] into the White House in the first place? That alone indicates poor decision-making," he said, and threatening legal action to try to stop the book's release is "literally the dumbest move you could make," unless Trump is secretly "getting a cut of the book." Seriously, Kimmel said, "if you don't want people to read a book about you, why would you take legal action to try to stop people from reading the book about you? I wasn't going to buy the book, I was just gonna read the excerpts in magazines and move on. But now that Trump's lawyers are going all-out to try to stop it from being published, I'm buying 20 copies! I can't buy enough of these books!" Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert kicked off his first Late Show of 2018 by talking about the weather, specifically the brutal cold tormenting New York City and much of the rest of the country. "And reports say 'the worst is yet to come,'" he added. He made a joke about the ball not dropping in Times Square, and how it's colder in Canada than on Mars. "Speaking of new lows, Donald Trump," Colbert said.
He read Trump's tweet about needing some "good old Global Warming," then tried to figure out its logic: "Because Donald Trump's cold right now, that's evidence that the Earth is not getting warmer — just like because Donald Trump is president right now, that's evidence we've never had a competent president." Trump really hit the Twitter on Tuesday morning, though, and Colbert poked fun at some of the punchier ones. "Trump took credit for no one dying in plane crashes this year?" he marveled. "That explains his new campaign slogan, 'Trump 2020: You Got to Tulsa, Didn't Ya?'"
North Korea is threatening to nuke the U.S. but also inviting itself to next month's Winter Olympics in South Korea, Colbert said. "There are even rumors that North Korea has been pumping their Olympic team with performance-enhancing food." Of course, Trump is taking all the credit for the Koreas starting to talk again, he sighed, reading the relevant tweet.
Trump hasn't just been tweeting, he also designed a new "challenge coin," Colbert said. "I've received several coins myself, it's a great honor and a wonderful American tradition — so naturally, Trump is ruining it." After going through the ways Trump aggrandizes himself on the medallion, Colbert had a good laugh at Disney's animatronic Trump — or "Jon Voight after a chemical spill," as he put it. "That is truly disturbing — I know one sculptor who did not vote for him." Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert started Monday's Late Show by mocking the man who tried to set off a bomb in the subway station near New York City's Port Authority terminal Monday morning. "Luckily, none of the bystanders were seriously hurt, and the police got the guy," he said. And Colbert had a message for the 27-year-old Bangladeshi bomber from Brooklyn: "Seriously? You tried to terrorize New York Subway commuters? Nice try. New York commuters don't even flinch when the subway breakdancers kick two inches away from their face. They have to battle rats for the seat."
"Now you're going to jail for a long, long, long time," Colbert said, "and all New Yorkers want to know is: Does that mean your apartment is free, and is it rent-controlled?"
Colbert noted that several of the women who've accused President Trump of sexual assault are back in public, then spent a few minutes going over a New York Times report of Trump's daily battle in the White House. Trump is upset about Special Counsel Robert Mueller's investigation into his campaign's ties to Russia, but he reportedly shrugs it off, telling people, "That's life," Colbert said. "Yes, it's life, but you could plead that down to 30 years if you rat out Don Jr."
The Times also said Trump watches 4-8 hours of TV a day, and "hate-watches" CNN's Don Lemon — things Trump denied in a tweet on Monday, which Colbert read. But given Trump's fixation on TV, it's no surprise that before taking office, he reportedly told aides to think of "each presidential day as an episode in a television show in which he vanquishes rivals," Colbert said. He suggested some titles, including Grabs Anatomy.
The Late Show also mocked up a Trump family sitcom, Meet the Vanquishers, that gets a little dark at the end. Watch below. Peter Weber