Wednesday was President Trump's 71st birthday, and to celebrate, Seth Meyers and his Late Night crew came up with a bunch of birthday wishes for Thursday's show that were definitely not posted to Trump's Facebook wall. They start out plausibly boring enough, but go downhill fast. To watch what Melania Trump, Jeff Sessions, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and James Comey did not write on Trump's Facebook wall, look below. The short clip is safe for work, but you might laugh audibly. Peter Weber
"Ever since Donald Trump took office, he has been a bachelor in the White House," Stephen Colbert noted on Tuesday's Late Show. "They say he's been lonely, he's been isolated, he's put on weight." Well, "those bachelor days are over forever, because this weekend, after more than five months of living apart, Melania Trump moved into the White House," he said. "It's like their second honeymoon — and for Donald, his fourth. So, how are things going?" He turned to Melania Trump, "live" from "the White House," as played by actress Laura Benanti. Benanti's Melania is maybe not thrilled to be at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., perhaps not sad at the idea of Trump's impeachment, possibly fantasizing a bit about Canada's Justin Trudeau, and as committed to her marriage as America is to its constitutionally elected president, even if survival means taking up the tippling slogan "Make America Grape Again." Watch below. Peter Weber
"There have been a lot of moments in Donald Trump's brief presidency that have raised eyebrows and lowered expectations," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show, but Trump's first Cabinet meeting was something else. "I cannot get over these fawning Cabinet members," he said. "Come on, these are adults, some of them are billionaires, and they're just happy to have their leashes yanked as the cameras roll for the Dear Leader."
"Honestly, this is next-level weird; this is an unprecedented public stroke-fest for an emotionally frail man," Colbert said. "That is absolutely chilling." Then he poked fun at himself.
Trump is clearly not insecure about former FBI Director James Comey's testimony last week, Colbert said, because he said so himself at a press conference on Friday, plus a little extra. "Spoken like a man with nothing to hide," he joked, breaking into Trump voice: "Officer, I did not steal that car, and there would be nothing wrong if I did because stealing's not illegal, right?"
Trump took his Comey attacks to Twitter starting Friday — "Yes, Trump says Comey's a 'coward.' 'You want to attack somebody, do it like a man: tweet from the toilet" — and by the end of the weekend, the entire Trump circle was on the Comey-belittlement train. "So, Comey's a liar and a coward, because Trump never said 'I hope you let Flynn go,'" Colbert summarized, noting that it's too bad nobody told that to Donald Trump Jr., who went on Fox News and "completely contradicted everything Donald Trump just said. Usually Donald Trump has to do that."
Colbert next took a short jab at President Trump, wedding-crasher at his own golf resort. "Well, every wedding has a best man, but only a select few get the worst one," he quipped. "Plus, you know what they say about weddings: something old, something new, something orange, someone get him away from the bridesmaids!" He ended by deciphering White House spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders' odd emoji-filled tweet from the weekend. Peter Weber
Former FBI Director James Comey's testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee on Thursday has consumed Washington, the White House, and apparently President Trump's legislative agenda, Seth Meyers said on Wednesday's Late Night, mocking Trump for holding an elaborate ceremony to sign a memo on Monday. Well, Comey Christmas came early, because the Senate released Comey's opening statement Wednesday afternoon, "and it contains some damning and truly bizarre details about Comey's uncomfortable interactions with Trump," Meyers said.
The first "weird" detail is the number of interactions — Comey says he met twice with former President Barack Obama over Obama's entire two terms, but Trump "would not leave him alone," Meyers said, calling Comey or meeting with him nine times in just four months. One of those meetings was that "infamous dinner" where Trump apparently demanded loyalty — and it turns out, "Comey had no idea the meeting would be a private, one-on-one encounter," he said. "This is starting to sound less like All the President's Men and more like a Lifetime original movie — 'James Comey and Donald Trump star in Suspicious Attraction.'" And when Comey recounted the awkward conversations, loyalty bargaining, and word games, their dinner "sounds like a terrible Tinder date," Meyers said.
He ran through the other highlights of Comey's prepared testimony, including when Trump allegedly told Comey that he "had not been involved with hookers in Russia" and asked how he could "lift the cloud" from his administration. Meyers had a suggestion: "Well, the first thing you could do is not call people out of nowhere and say 'I was not involved with hookers in Russia.'"
He ended by wondering aloud if Trump will live-tweet Comey's testimony, looking at how congressional Republicans are dealing with Trump's tweeting, and recapping the intra-White House fight over whether Trump's tweets are official statements. Sean Spicer says yes. "It's so great how often the press secretary has to say the president is the president," Meyers said. "It's like he needs to remind himself or get confirmation." Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert remembered D-Day on Tuesday's Late Show, including the role his Uncle Eddie played in the World War II Normandy invasion, then he turned to President Trump's travel ban making its way to the Supreme Court. Lower courts have blocked the ban, he said, "but the administration still has a shot to win this one, if they can just convince the court that the order is not an unconstitutional travel ban. And they have been very, very disciplined with this message," with one notable exception. Trump's "TRAVEL BAN" tweets "threw the White House into complete disarray, which was a refreshing break from the usual spiteful chaos," Colbert said.
He feigned whiplash watching Trump's White House aides debating if the president's tweets are official White House policy, then laughingly urged Trump to stop tweeting, please. "Here's the thing," he said. "Everybody knows this tweeting is a disaster, so why does he keep doing it, and why so often? His frequency of tweeting has become, even for him, cartoonish." Which was the introduction for Cartoon Donald Trump, who started out practicing pleading the Fifth and ended up explaining whey he leaves tweets with unfinished thoughts ... for hours at a time. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert smacks his head over Trump's 'travel ban' self-wounding, has his belated fun with 'covfefe'
On Monday, the White House kicked off "infrastructure week" — "it's like shark week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show — with a plan to privatize the FAA's air traffic control branch, turning it into a nonprofit. "To be fair, any company Trump runs eventually is a nonprofit," he joked. "But if they're gonna be a nonprofit, our air traffic control is going to have to some fundraising to make ends meet, and I'm here to help." Cue the Sarah McLachlan.
Colbert next turned to Trump's travel bans, the second of which is headed to the Supreme Court. "And the administration's only chance of winning is not calling it a travel ban," he said, letting White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer explain why. Then he read Trump's tweets from Monday morning, which explicitly called his travel ban a "TRAVEL BAN" and criticized the Justice Department for not sticking with the original version. "Mr. President, you can't criticize the Justice Department — you control the Justice Department!" Colbert said. "To quote third grade boys everywhere, 'Why are you hitting yourself? Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself!'"
He spent the next four minutes belatedly having his fun with Trump's "covfefe" tweet — and fun he had — and showing slightly less mirth with Trump's decision to pull out of the Paris climate agreement, for several confounding reasons, including America's status in the world. "At what point do they start laughing at us as a country?" Trump asked, and Colbert raised his hand: "I know that one: Jan. 20, 2017."
Colbert did find one person who approved of Trump pulling out of Paris, however.
He ended with a brief update on the Trump Russia investigation. "It's full of surprises — just when you thought you knew what was going on, it turns out, it's exactly what you thought," Colbert said, briefly running down the mixed stories on Jared Kushner's meeting with the head of a Russian state bank. "Oh, it's just his real estate business," he said, giving the bank's side. "That explains the sign on the front of the White House: 'Country for Sale — Best Offer.'" Watch below. Peter Weber
This week, a Philippine transcript of an April phone call President Trump placed to Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte leaked to the press. The Trump administration had already shared that Trump invited Duterte to the White House (he was noncommittal). Regardless, "that's a very exclusive invitation," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. "Usually you want to save that kind of honor for a true statesman like Ted Nugent." But thanks to the leaked transcript, we also know he started off his call by congratulating Duterte on his "war on drugs" — which, not unlike a real war, has killed 7,000 people over the past year.
"Trump congratulated Duterte on his vigilante kill squads," Colbert marveled. "That's like saying: 'Darth, I'm in construction, and I know that's a fantastic Death Star, top notch. I'd love to have you over sometime to Force-choke Sean Spicer." Still, "the call had an even bigger bombshell," he said. "In a conversation about North Korea, Trump gave Duterte military secrets" about two U.S. nuclear submarines off North Korea. "Come on! That's a state secret," Colbert protested. "Trump has got to be the world's worst Battleship player. 'Okay, you'll never guess where my beautiful submarine is — unless you guess B2, because that's where I put it, 2 through 5.'"
Then Colbert saw an opportunity in Trump's secrets-spilling: "Since the only way we seem to get any information out of Donald Trump these days is via leaked conversations with dictators, I have a favor to ask of Robert Mugabe: Can you call up our president and ask him for his tax returns?" Peter Weber
On Tuesday, the White House released President Trump's first budget, titled "A New Foundation for American Greatness." That's "slightly grandiose for a financial document," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. "That's like calling a grocery list 'A Bold Vision for Yogurt and Dog Food.'" And the foundation? he said. Trump is apparently building it "out of the ground-up bones of poor people."
The budget calls for slashing funding for food stamps (SNAP) and a children's health insurance plan (CHIP), for example. "So he's cutting SNAP and CHIP, to which America's children replied, 'Stop' and 'Help,'" Colbert said. "I know this is an unpopular position these days, but I believe children should go to the doctor and eat. Where do I find the courage?" But the budget isn't just aimed at children and the poor, it's also "filled with brutal, senseless cuts to medical research," including 19 percent from the National Cancer Institute, Colbert said, as the crowed booed. "Listen, Trump said we'd be sick of winning, and he is ready to deliver on the first half of that sentence."
"Speaking of things that keep spreading, the Russia investigation is only getting worse for the president," Colbert said, mentioning Monday's revelations that Trump apparently also asked the NSA chief and director of national intelligence to quash the Russia investigation, and translating former CIA chief John Brennan's very boring testimony to a House committee on Tuesday: "Basically, he's saying he knows that Russia tried to recruit members of the Trump campaign, he's not sure if they did. That's like saying: 'We know the mob tried to cut your brake cables, we just don't know if they succeeded — here are the keys, have a great drive!'"
"While he's been overseas, the president has not been tweeting as much," Colbert noted. "I assume it's because he's too cheap to pay for data roaming." But it also might be because last week, Trump's aides reportedly staged a Twitter "intervention." Colbert was mock-horrified: "You can't take Twitter away from Trump! That's like taking the nudity away from Game of Thrones — it's the reason why we watch the show." Apparently, this particular Twittervention "included White House staff only, but there are plenty of us who have been deeply affected by President Trump's tweets," Colbert said, "so I just want to take a second to speak to President Trump personally." You can hear his intervention below. Peter Weber