Stephen Colbert kicked of Wednesday's Late Show by declaring his pride to be filming in New York City, where hours after a terrorist attack killed eight people in lower Manhattan, New Yorkers held a big, sloppy Halloween bacchanal. "You cannot stop New Yorkers!" he said. And you also can't stop President Trump from tweeting, this time to politicize the attack by going after Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) and a particular visa program, saying he wants "merit based." "We all want merit-based, sir, but you're still the president," Colbert sighed.
Trump also tweeted about the GOP tax bill, and Colbert said we now know why it is being released a day late: Republicans can't agree on a name. "Apparently, calling it 'The Koch Brothers' All-American Up-Tricklin' Cash-Grab-a-Rama' was a little on the nose," he said, laughing at House Speaker Paul Ryan's idea to let Trump name the bill because of his branding skills. "So what did Trump come back with? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the actual name out president proposed for his tax bill: The Cut Cut Cut Act." Ryan pushed back, to no avail, Colbert said, but "did manage to convince the president not to spell 'Cut Cut Cut' with three Ks."
Colbert then took a probably unnecessary jab at a widely mocked tweet Donald Trump Jr. sent Halloween night about teaching his daughter "socialism" by giving half her candy away. "Yes, it's never too early to teach kids the danger of sharing," Colbert said. "While we're at it, Don Jr., on Halloween, kids literally go door to door to get free candy from the neighbors because the kids don't have it and the neighbors do. That's socialism." He ended with a lesson on using candy to make a point, though he cheated with that last chocolate bar. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert is so turned off by Trump's interview with a fawning Lou Dobbs, he splices himself in
"Folks, sometimes I feel sorry for Donald Trump, but not as often as he does," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. President Trump once again complained about how he's treated by the media during a "full-blown rubdown" by Lou Dobbs at Fox Business, Trump's 19th interview with Fox News and its sister channel, Colbert said. He cracked a salty joke about Dobbs "pleasuring" Trump and it making Vice President Mike Pence uncomfortable. Dobbs did not ask Trump about Puerto Rico, so Colbert veered off to catch viewers up on the $300 million power-repair contract Puerto Rico's public utility awarded to Whitefish Energy, a tiny company with Trump connections, in a no-bid process. "That's like the last man on Earth naming himself People's sexiest man alive," Colbert said.
Colbert found Dobbs' sycophantic interview so grating that he spliced himself in for Dobbs, making things fair and balanced by asking Trump the questions he wanted answered, with the answers he wanted from Trump's mouth. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert has a laugh at Trump claiming credit for the JFK document dump, John McCain's revenge
President Trump sat down for an interview with Fox Business host Maria Bartiromo over the weekend, and she "immediately held Trump's feet to the fire — to make sure they were nice and cozy," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. "But Bartiromo wasn't the only one praising Trump — so was Trump." Specifically, Trump praised his use of Twitter. Also over the weekend, Trump "tweenounced" that he will release the JFK documents that have been stored under seal in the National Archives.
After running through some perfunctory conspiracy theorizing, Colbert noted that in fact, Congress ordered the documents released this month back in 1992. Most people believe that the documents should be unsealed, but since Lee Harvey Oswald took a mysterious trip to Mexico weeks before the JFK assassination, "some historians are concerned the documents could be damaging to U.S.-Mexico relations," Colbert said. "Oh, I think that ship has sailed." Some people also theorize that Trump took credit for a pre-scheduled event to distract from his latest fight with a Gold Star family, and Colbert imagined some other secrets Trump could drop when he runs into political hot water.
Colbert also checked in on the feud between Trump and Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), starting with Trump's 2015 dig about captured war heroes. Trump, he reminded everyone, got five deferments from serving in Vietnam, one of them for bone spurs, then later joked that avoiding sexually transmitted diseases was his own personal Vietnam, a claim Colbert took to his logical conclusion. Two and a half years later, McCain got his revenge with a brutal swipe at Trump's bone spurs, and Colbert was impressed: "Damn, I really wish McCain was my high school science teacher, because he clearly does not give an F." Peter Weber
Daily Show alum Jordan Klepper valiantly tries to reclaim 'moron' as a badge of honor for Trump supporters
There are new developments in the "war on Trump," Jordan Klepper said Monday on The Opposition, his faux alt-right Daily Show spinoff. He began with the opposition to President Trump's move to decertify the Iran nuclear deal. "That's right, certification is for suckers," Klepper said, "a belief I hold to this day in spite of how many lifeguard jobs it cost me." But the pushback against Trump was coming from within, including from his top generals and Cabinet officials. "Now it's clear who Trump's biggest enemy is — friends," Klepper said. "Friends who are the enemies — let's call them 'frenemies,' a word I just made up."
Trump's frenemies treat him like a "chump," Klepper said, running through the Rex Tillerson "moron" flap, and "I'm sick of this. Trump has done everything for these people. He picked them, seemingly at random, for positions of great importance, and now they're calling Trump a moron? Then I'm calling moron a compliment! What, you think 'nasty women' are the only ones who can turn insults into a rallying cry?" Apparently not — and Klepper brought T-shirts to prove it. You can watch his impassioned rallying cry below. Peter Weber
President Trump held a big signing ceremony Thursday for his executive order to undermine ObamaCare, but he forgot one small thing, Stephen Colbert showed on The Late Show. "That is troubling — at the signing he forgot to do the signing. But on the plus side, let's hope he forgets the launch codes." The rest of his monologue was dedicated to Trump's pitch for his tax plan on Wednesday night, in front of a group of truckers in Pennsylvania.
Trump summarized his tax plan with two words, "huge, rocket," which left Colbert confused. But Trump clarified a bit, explaining that some business taxes will be at an 80-year low when he's done. "Yes, bottom line: He's taking our tax plan back more than 80 years, to the 1930s, the era that will forever be known as the Great Happiness," Colbert said. "And the president came down hard on the tax that truckers hate the most: the one that only applies to dying millionaires," the estate tax. Out of about 186,000 working trucking companies, roughly 30 would be helped by repealing the estate tax — which applies to individuals worth $5.5 million or couples worth $11 million — he said. "So who are these elite truckers?" Well, he found one:
Colbert also subbed himself in for Sean Hannity in Hannity's pre-rally interview of Trump. You can watch that below. Peter Weber
"It has been a rough start to the school year for Donald Trump," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. "His report card is definitely gonna say, 'Has problems working and playing well with others.'" Not that we can do much about, he shrugged. "The Oval Office doesn't have any corners, you can't put him in a time out." Trump's "open warfare" with the Republican Party started with Secretary of State Rex Tillerson's attempt to prevent open warfare with North Korea, Colbert said, and it went downhill from there.
Tuesday's news is that Trump challenged Tillerson to an IQ duel. Colbert showed some exclusive results of that contest. But Sen. Bob Corker (R-Tenn.) has also tagged in with some "bowel-loosening opinions about our president," including that if Trump isn't "contained" by his aides, his tweets could lead us "toward World War III," Colbert said. "All this time we've been worried the next war would be caused by artificial intelligence. Turns out the real danger is natural stupidity. I'll miss us." Trump's aides and former employees reportedly treat him like a toddler, too, Colbert said, offering his own distraction for Trump.
Jimmy Kimmel also had a chuckle at Trump's proposed IQ battle. "No intelligent person would get into an IQ contest with his own secretary of state, right? Just that rules you out right there," he said. But "I would definitely order pay-per-view, I would pay $100 to watch Rex Tillerson and Donald Trump take IQ tests against each other, make no mistake. And I guarantee you, the next day Kellyanne Conway would be on TV explaining that IQ tests are like golf: the lower the number, the better the score." At least one person argues that Trump is smart, though, and Kimmel played the Trump highlight reel. Peter Weber
"Today is Columbus Day," Jimmy Fallon noted on Monday's Tonight Show, adding that some cities are now calling it "Indigenous Peoples Day." Well, he said, "most people said call it whatever you want as long as we get a mattress for 30 percent off." The jokes got better. President Trump marked the day by calling Columbus a "skilled navigator," Fallon continued. "Then at his Comi-Con speech he called Darth Vader a 'good dad.'" He played footage of Trump apparently claiming to have invented the word "fake," quipping: "Fake? What better way to celebrate Columbus Day than pretending you discovered something?"
Fallon turned to the Twitter fight between Trump and Sen. Bob Corker, ending with Corker's sick burn. "Now, a lot of people don't know this, but the White House does actually have an adult day-care center," he said, "and we have the director, Wendy Walker, here to talk about it." After that interview, he had one joke on Harvey Weinstein being fired from The Weinstein Company, involving Fox News.
Also on Monday's show, Tyler Perry donned his Madea character and became press secretary to Fallon's President Trump. Watch below. Peter Weber
Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert try to give Trump 'equal time' in hilariously ill-fated point-counterpoint
Amid all of President Trump's complaining about Sen. Bob Corker and "fake news," "I'm kind of proud the president saved just a little complaining for us talk-show hosts," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. He read Trump's tweet about "Late Night hosts ... dealing with the Democrats for their very 'unfunny' & repetitive material, always anti-Trump!" Colbert found the "unfunny" quotes funny, and had an answer for Trump's follow-up question about whether he should "get Equal Time?": "No. That's not how this works. You're the president, we make fun of you."
"But we're going to do it anyway, just to make you feel better, sir," Colbert said. "I will now be joined by another host, licensed in 'unfunny,' and that host will offer balance to what I say about the president." He brought out Jon Stewart. Colbert said he would do his "usual unfair slamming of the president," and Stewart would "provide the counterweight." Stewart gave it a go, but when Colbert played Trump's odd remarks about this being "the calm before the storm," surrounded by military personnel, Stewart lost it.
"How is all this not the storm?" Stewart asked. "And what kind of a sociopath would use that terminology while people are still literally cleaning up from storms?!?" Unable to say positive things about Trump, he gave the counterpoint duties to Colbert, who also... gave it a go. Watch below. Peter Weber