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Late Night Tackles Trump versus Democrats
May 31, 2019

When outgoing Special Counsel Robert Mueller finally spoke on Wednesday, "he didn't reveal anything new, but he reiterated a key point of his report — he said that he couldn't charge president Trump with obstruction of justice, but Congress could hold him accountable," Trevor Noah said on Thursday's Daily Show. "Which really means one thing: impeachment. And now the Democrats are taking the impeachment torch from Mueller and running like hell."

Trump grew indignant when asked about impeachment Thursday morning, demonstrating some ignorance on the subject and calling impeachment "a dirty, filthy, disgusting word," Noah said. "And you can tell that Mueller's announcement has Trump shook, because this morning, in a tweet, he inadvertently acknowledged for the first time that Russia helped to get him elected." When Trump tried to correct his tweet, things got very Trump-y. Noah showed the video: "I feel like that's the difference between Trump and [Nancy] Pelosi — you don't have to manipulate Trump's footage to make him look drunk."

"So Russia did help you get elected!" Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live, recapping some of Trump's "Category 5 tweetstorm" Thursday morning. "He knows we're seeing his tweets, right?" Kimmel also showed more of Trump's on-camera denial of his own tweet. "I know it's a little confusing," he said. "Let me break it down in terms we can all understand: Basically, Russia is Lori Loughlin, Trump is her daughter, and the election was a rowing scholarship to USC."

Kimmel played more of Trump going "full supervillain mode" on impeachment and other subjects in his morning chat, joking that Trump "knows dirty, filthy, disgusting words — in fact, he's on tape saying a lot of them on a bus," and laughing at Trump's impeachment pushback: "He tells a lot of lies, but the biggest lie of all may be claiming to have read Article II of the Constitution — that did not happen." Watch below. Peter Weber

May 24, 2019

"Yesterday, President Trump had a meeting with Democratic leaders Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi," Trevor Noah said on Thursday's Daily Show. It was supposed to be about infrastructure, "but instead of building bridges in this meeting, Trump decided to burn them down."

What really happened? "According to Chuck and Nancy, Trump came into that meeting, completely acted the fool," Noah said. "But according to Trump's very calm Twitter rant this morning, he was very chilled for the whole three minutes, and then when he stormed out, it was in a relaxed and graceful fashion. Now obviously, most people didn't believe Trump, so today he interrupted a press conference with farmers to basically ask his very objective employees to tell us all how Zen he is." He showed that spectacle.

"Say what you want about Trump, but he is truly the king of political theater," Noah said, laughing. This was so obviously planned, like "you'll see in Africa all the time. Like, some dictator will be accused of war crimes, and then he'll bring his own soldiers out as his defense." He acted that out.

So Trump "denies having a temper tantrum by having a temper tantrum," Jimmy Kimmel recapped, playing more of Trump's performance. "He's an 'extremely stable genius' — why can't people understand that? He's not a maniac. Ask his 10 terrified underlings! ... This is exactly what would have happened if we had a President Charlie Sheen."

Donald Trump Jr. is writing a book, Kimmel noted, and he had some ideas for a title: "For instance, Are You There Dad? It's Me, the Dumb One."

At The Late Show, Stephen Colbert suggested "The Art of the Douche" as the "working title" for Don Jr.'s book. He also noted that Trump is officially launching his re-election campaign on June 16, Fathers Day: "Evidently, he thinks he's America's father, which explains why he only loves a third of us." Watch below. Peter Weber

March 5, 2019

On Monday, House Judiciary Chairman Jarrold Nadler (D-N.Y.) launched "a sweeping investigation into President Trump's campaign, businesses, transition, and administration," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. "So they've narrowed the problem to everything he's done. And the House Democrats are not messing around here — they've sent document requests to 81 people and entities."

"Trump's bad week really got into gear," however, with last week's House Oversight Committee hearing with Michael Cohen, Trump's former lawyer and fixer, Colbert said. "The Democrats pushed Cohen to reveal as much as he could," while "Republicans didn't even bother asking Cohen a single substantive question. Instead they just called him a liar."

But "saying we shouldn't believe Cohen because he lied in the past is not a good argument," since "Trump hired him to be his liar," Colbert added. "He wanted a dirtbag lawyer; he didn't want Atticus Finch." Colbert tried out what Gregory Peck would have done with Cohen's threats, anyway. He also explained what Trump meant when he tweeted about Cohen's "just released manuscript for a book" about "Trump."

About two dozen Democrats are running for president or considering it, Colbert continued, but "the current frontrunner is Vermont Sen. — and man who would've gotten you health care if it wasn't for those meddling kids — Bernie Sanders. This weekend, Sanders held two big rallies," first in Brooklyn and then Chicago. "And unlike the last time he ran, Bernie made this rally personal," Colbert said — maybe too personal: "If you're trying to get elected as the oldest president ever, maybe don't talk about what your allowance was in the 1940s."

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.), meanwhile, has found a beloved surrogate in her dog Bailey, Colbert noted, "which is cute, although it does not bode well for 2020 if Warren's supporters are that enthusiastic about a big dumb animal with golden hair." Watch below. Peter Weber

February 8, 2019

"It's a beautiful day in America, because remember [President] Trump's threat from the State of the Union," about no peace with investigations? Stephen Colbert asked on Thursday's Late Show. "Well, bye-bye peace, because less than 24 hours after being directly threatened by the president of the United States, House Democrats announced a new investigation into President Trump's foreign financial interests and Russia ties. ... Yes, Trump drew a line in the sand. But you know a good way to erase that line? Blue wave."

"And it's not just the intelligence committee," Colbert said. "The House Ways and Means Committee met today to start building a case to pursue Trump's tax returns. ... We're finally going to find out what's in 'em! Did Putin claim Trump as a dependent? Did Trump check the box where you donate $3 to a Russian oligarch? Did he list his status as 'Married' or 'Yeah, But I'm Not Dead'?" It will be hard for Trump to stop this, but Trump is trying, instructing Treasury officials to drag their feet until well into the 2020 campaign.

Clearly, "Trump's not happy — yesterday he coined a new catchphrase to describe the investigation," Colbert said. "Yes, 'presidential harassment.' It's like sexual harassment, only Republicans take it seriously." He also read Trump's rage-tweet about the investigations, laughing at Democrats "going 'nuts' looking into possible 'crimes' that you definitely 'did,'" gawking at Trump's assertion that Republicans never investigated Obama, and puzzling out Trump accusing Democrats of "stealing people who work at White House." "Is he using stealing as a very or an adjective?" Colbert asked. He finished with Trump's curious statement about American accomplishments at Thursday's National Prayer Breakfast: "Abolition of civil rights? 'Ooops, I accidentally read next year's speech.'" Watch below. Peter Weber

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