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The Daily Showdown
4:55 a.m.

The Democratic presidential field is split over whether to sit down for interviews on Fox News, a news network that has a decidedly anti-Democrat slant. Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) and Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif.) are on the no side, Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show, but Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) got a warm welcome and appeared to win people over in his town hall, and on Sunday night, South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg slammed Fox News hosts Laura Ingraham and Tucker Carlson — and got a standing ovation from the Fox News audience.

"Pete Buttigieg went on Fox News, trashed their most popular anchors, and then got a standing ovation at the end — that is amazing," Noah said. "Because if someone came to your house and told you how ugly your kids were, you'd probably be like, 'Get the hell out of here!' You wouldn't be like: 'Someone had to say it. You've got a big-a-- head, Billy. ... Some reporters on Fox News actually credited Buttigieg for coming on to their network. But, the kids with the big-a-- heads? They weren't as happy."

"Laura Ingraham, Tucker Carlson, and Brian Kilmeade, they were all pretty pissed with Buttigieg's star turn on Fox," Noah said. "But there was one Fox viewer who was downright heartbroken." That would be President Trump, who complained about Buttigieg's town hall beforehand and slammed it at a rally on Monday night. "Aw, poor Trump," Noah said. "You realize what happened here: The news network that he loves the most flirted with a younger, hotter candidate, and he's clearly shook."

Noah didn't have a pat answer on whether Democrats should go on Fox New or stay away. "In many ways, it's just like eating an Oreo," he said. And that ended in a profane Ben Carson takedown. Watch below. Peter Weber

April 25, 2019

"People don't just love Joe Biden because he's a down-to-earth, everyday man — no, people love him because he's an adorable goofball," Trevor Noah said on Thursday's Daily Show, hours after Biden officially entered the 2020 presidential race. "In fact, the only thing that spends more time in Biden's mouth than those perfect teeth is his own foot." He played some ... highlights? Unlike former President Barack Obama's famously deliberate speaking style, Noah said, "when Biden talks, his brain just hits 'I'm feeling lucky,' and the first result comes out of his mouth."

Noah ran through some of Biden's "major accomplishments" in Washington, including that he "was so good at getting stuff done, he even found a way to work with Mitch McConnell. And they probably got along because Mitch was the only person Biden wouldn't give a massage to." At the same time, "anyone who's been around that long is also gonna have some baggage," he said. "And Biden? Oh man, he's got enough baggage to fill a whole Amtrak car." He ran through some of that, too.

"So on the downside, Joe Biden got a lot of things wrong back in the day," Noah said. "But on the upside, he managed to grow his hair back," and despite his past missteps, he's considered a serious contender in the Democratic race, partly because of "how progressive he has become and partly because of how good he is at getting under Trump's skin." Watch through to the end to see an enactment of Biden and President Trump throwing down on the debate stage. Peter Weber

April 25, 2019

"Like all of [President] Trump's closest relationships, his relationship with Twitter is sort of a love-hate situation," Trevor Noah said on Wednesday's Daily Show. And on Tuesday, Trump invited Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey to the Oval Office to complain. "That's right, my friends, the president of the United States is upset because he feels he should have more Twitter followers," Noah said. "This is absolutely ridiculous. Like, what's next? He's going to complain to Instagram because his thirst traps aren't blowing up?"

Trump flying in the CEO of Twitter to complain about losing followers will actually probably "inspire more people to run for office," Noah suggested. "People are going to be on stage, like, 'I'm running for president so that I can ask Jeff Bezos: What happened to my tube socks, which were supposed to be here by Wednesday?!'" He pitied "everyone in this meeting with Trump who had to sit there and take it seriously," including Dorsey, forced to "explain to a president that some of his followers were deleted because they were bots and spam accounts."

"Twitter is only one of the president's beefs right now," Noah said. He's also feuding with the media, House Democrats, and the Constitution, threatening to "head to the Supreme Court" if Democrats impeach him. "Just to be clear, that's not a thing," Noah said. "The Supreme Court can't overrule an impeachment. ... This would be like if a cop gives you a ticket and your response is: 'I'm fighting this, buddy — you'll be hearing from my orthodontist!'"

"So in the last 48 hours, the president has gotten in fights with Congress, the press, and Twitter," he said. "Look, we can't help him with the first two, but we do have someone who can help him out online." That would be Jaboukie Young-White, and you can watch him advise Trump to seem less thirsty on Twitter below. Peter Weber

April 24, 2019

On Monday night, CNN hosted five hour-long, back-to-back town halls. "Most of you don't have the time to sit through five hours of town halls, but lucky for you, we don't have a life, so we watched the whole thing so we could give you the highlights," Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show. He recapped Sen. Bernie Sanders' (I-Vt.) "policy bombshell" about prisoner voting rights and Sen. Kamala Harris' (D-Calif.) gun-law ultimatum to Congress, but lingered on Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.).

Warren "has been releasing policies faster than Netflix releases documentaries about serial killers," Noah said, and she actually has a plan to pay for them. "You have to admit, it is brilliant how she just frames it as 2 cents of every dollar about $50 million," he said. It's like "when they ask you to sponsor an African kid, they say 'For just 80 cents a day, you can save this child.' Because if they say, 'You can help this child for $292 a year,' you'd be like, 'Wait a minute, that's an Xbox! You're on your own Mufasa.'"

Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.), meanwhile, was "like the anti-Oprah," telling Americans everything they won't find under their seats, Noah said, and "the surging Pete Buttigieg" rounded out the night, improvising like "that kid in school who always got good grades without reading any of the books."

"You have to admit, running for president as a man is so much more fun," Noah said. "Because as a woman, you have to bring extra homework. Elizabeth Warren calculated two cents on every dollar over $50 million, Kamala is breaking down the statistics on maternal mortality as it relates to race and class. But a dude can just come out be like, 'Yeah, I'm just gonna wing it.'"

The five Democrats — and party at large — also couldn't agree on whether to impeach President Trump. Noah brought out Michael Kosta for his barely-safe-for-work analysis. Watch below. Peter Weber

February 27, 2019

Trevor Noah noted that President Trump has landed in Vietnam for talks with North Korea's Kim Jong Un, after avoiding Vietnam during the Vietnam War, and laughed at Kim's mode of transportation, dragging in Thomas the Tank Engine. And he didn't seem overwhelmed with Michael Cohen's planned testimony before Congress on Wednesday. "Michael Cohen is going to testify under oath that President Trump is a liar, a cheat, a womanizer, and a racist?" Noah deadpanned on Tuesday's Daily Show. "What other bombshells is he gonna drop? Is he also going to tell us that Abraham Lincoln didn't die of natural causes?"

It would be big news if "Cohen can actually prove that Trump was involved in specific criminal acts, including when he was president," Noah allowed, because it would mean "Trump stopped playing golf and watching TV long enough to commit crimes." But he did arch his eyebrows at Ivanka Trump's Fox News interview. "Last night, the president's daughter took a break from her extremely important job at the White House to teach Democrats a little lesson about ordinary Americans," he said, rolling the clip.

"Ivanka Trump says the thing she's learned in life is that people want to work for what they get? Really?" Noah laughed. "The woman whose résumé just says 'Daddy, I need job now.' That woman? Really? And for the record, I'm going to call B.S. on this. People love getting free sh-t!" He pointed to basketball games where "people will trample their own kids for a free shirt that they will never wear," and Costco samples. "And let me tell you something, rich people love handouts more than anyone," Noah said, citing his night at the Oscars. "Guys, Lady Gaga kicked my ass because I grabbed something before she could get her hands on it — and okay, it was her Oscar, but that's not the point."

You can watch Noah's star-struck recap of his first Oscars and the after-parties below. Peter Weber

February 26, 2019

Singer "R. Kelly may finally be facing justice — and it almost feels strange that they got him after all these years," Trevor Noah said on Monday's Daily Show. "It's like if Wile E. Coyote finally caught the Road Runner — who is also a criminal, by the way." But broke R. Kelly is not alone, and Noah cycled through several high-profile sex scandals. Next up? The Catholic Church, which just wrapped up a big global meeting on sex abuse.

"The pope has threatened abusive priests with 'the wrath of God' — that is the ultimate 'Just wait till your dad gets home,'" Noah said. But if that's all the pope's got, "it looks like the church isn't going to do enough to punish these sex criminals, which means we might need to get the government involved. The only problem is, the government has also got its hands full right now." A judge just ruled that 11 years ago, Labor Secretary Alex Acosta illegally "let a billionaire off the hook for abusing underage girls," he said. "And President Trump's response is, 'That seems like a long time ago.'"

And bizarrely, "this story is flying almost completely under the radar because there's another billionaire having a different sex scandal at the same time, also in Florida," Noah said. And as "insane" as it is that New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft got busted allegedly "paying for sex in strip mall in Florida," remember, "investigators say that these women weren't willing sex workers, they were women who were from China, who were forced into sex slavery."

"So this wasn't Pretty Woman," Noah said. "It's more like pretty horrific. Which is why these are very serious charges — unless you're a Patriots fan." He showed how this is playing in Boston. "Look, you can call it repulsive, you can call it insensitive for these people to just brush aside serious sex crimes like this," he said, "but you could also call it presidential." Some language is probably NSFW. Peter Weber

Peter Weber

February 21, 2019

Trevor Noah was skeptical of Empire actor Jussie Smollett's hate-crime story before Smollett was arrested on Thursday for allegedly faking the attack, but he was incredulous after Chicago police and prosecutors laid out the evidence. Like Smollett's alleged motive: "Are you kidding me? This dude may have faked a hate crime just to get a raise?" Noah asked on Thursday's Daily Show, struggling to find the logic: "You get your ass beat, and then you go to your boss and be like, 'Hey, can I get another million dollars? I need to buy some band-aids'?" He suggested blackmail as a better alternative.

And paying your accomplices by check? "What, did he also write 'Fake Hate Crime' in the memo?" Noah asked. "Even amateurs know if you commit a crime, you go all cash, people! No paper trail!" The bottom line is "if he did do this, Smollett did a horrible job with this fake crime," he said, playing one more detail involving a camera failure.

"So Jussie is potentially going to prison for a while, and in his wake, he has screwed over everyone," Noah said: Members of the gay community, Trump supporters, and Democratic candidates who decried the attack. The only winner here is Subway, he added, for reasons he explained, "but there is a silver lining: When this started out, it was a story about people who hated Jussie Smollett because he was black and gay. But now, people hate him because he's an a--hole. In other words, they're judging him on the content of his character and not the color of his skin. And that, my friends, is progress." Watch below. Peter Weber

February 21, 2019

"Right now in America, more people are killed by opioids than cars," Trevor Noah said on Wednesday's Daily Show. Opioids "are a national emergency — a genuine national emergency," and "if you listen to the president — which by the way I don't recommend you do — but if you do, he'll point his tiny little blame finger where he normally does: South of the border." Seriously, President Trump "blames Mexico for everything," he said. "But in reality, the opioid crisis is as American as baseball or student loan debt."

It's American doctors who widely over-prescribed large amounts of opioids, but they're "basically low-level henchmen," Noah said, and "at the top of the cartel" are the pharmaceutical companies that make and pushed the drugs — like Insys Therapeutics, which "didn't just bribe doctors to push opioids, they sent strippers to bribe the doctors. And let me just say, when a stripper starts paying you, something fishy is going on." And that's "small-time compared to the Pablo Escobar of opioids, the Sackler family," Noah said. He read some of what he called the "straight-up evil" allegations from the Massachusetts case blaming the Sacklers and their company, Purdue Pharma, for making billions by lying about the addictiveness of OxyContin, blaming the addicts, and trying to get approval for children's OxyContin.

"Knowing all the shady s--t that these people are accused of, you'd think the Sackler family would be shunned from society — but in fact, it's the exact opposite," Noah said. "So really, the Sackler family should be as notorious as Pablo Escobar or El Chapo, because they've also gotten so many Americans hooked on drugs. The one difference is, everyone knows those other guys and they know how bad they are, because they've seen TV shows about them." There's no such show about the Sacklers, but The Daily Show changed that. Watch below. Peter Weber

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