"Trust me on this: Whether you're pro-life or pro-choice, everyone will be pro-this story, because it's hilarious," Trevor Noah said on Thursday's Daily Show, though Rep. Tim Murphy (R-Pa.) probably disagrees. Noah recounted the tragicomic story of Murphy, a staunchly anti-abortion married congressman who, it emerged this week, allegedly urged his mistress to have an abortion. "The same week he puts up an abortion ban, this dude's timing could not be worse," he said.
It was just a scare — the mistress wasn't really pregnant — "which makes this even funnier," Noah said. "He didn't even wait a day to confirm it before he abandoned his entire belief system? Tim Murphy would make the world's worst spy!" After running through that scenario, which involved pizza and cyanide, Noah delivered the coup de grâce, Murphy blaming his staff for writing his pro-life statements. "Whether you are pro-choice or pro-life, I think we can all come together to laugh at this man," he said, noting that Murphy just tendered his resignation. "Ah, it's such a pity that Tim Murphy terminated his career before it came to term. Such a pity." He said it rather pitilessly. Watch below. Peter Weber
Before President Trump co-opted the phrase "fake news" to mean "news that he doesn't like," fake news was just that: "deliberately false stories posing as news," Trevor Noah reminded everyone on Wednesday's Daily Show. These false stories proliferated on non-traditional news sources like social media, which is a problem, because two-thirds of U.S. adults say they get at least some of their news via social media, he said. That's a particular problem for a man falsely accused of being the Las Vegas shooter, one of several fake news stories featured prominently on Google News and Facebook this week. Twitter's culpable, too.
It gets dicier, and more global, Noah said. "If there's one guaranteed way to make any situation worse, just sprinkle a little Russia over it." Facebook says more than 10 million people saw covert Russia-linked ads during the 2016 campaign, especially in Wisconsin and Michigan, he explained, but "regardless of your politics, the reason you should care about fake news online is because it's not just about Russians meddling in U.S. elections — it's about Russians working to divide everyone."
Noah brought out Senior American Correspondent Michael Kosta, who argued that Russia shouldn't be getting all the credit for dividing America, since "we have a rich history of dividing ourselves," but also suggested hitting Russia back with a "full-on meme war," with examples. Watch below. Peter Weber
Everyone in the U.S. is grappling with Sunday night's mass shooting in Las Vegas, where a 64-year-old rich white man with no known terrorism connections killed at least 58 people and wounded more than 520. "Right now, he doesn't fit any profile of any mass shooter," Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show. "And you know who's having a hard time processing all of that information? The good people at Fox News."
"Since Sunday's shooting didn't fit any of Fox's established narratives, they couldn't politicize it," Noah explained. "And if they couldn't politicize it, then I guess neither should anyone else." He imagined trying to schedule a time to talk about gun laws with Fox News, only to find their schedule booked solid with Hillary email stories. But maybe they have a point, Noah said. "I mean, what kind of terrible people would push a political agenda the day after a mass shooting?" You can probably guess the answer, displayed in Fox News footage.
So either Fox News is being disingenuous with their no-politicizing plea, he said, or they're still trying to figure out how to politicize the mass shooting. "Yesterday, everyone on Fox News was flailing like Mariah Carey on New Year's Eve," except one man, Sean Hannity, Noah said. Unfortunately, "Hannity's fantasy was so ridiculous that even his Fox colleague couldn't get on board." Still, Noah did find some utility in Hannity's very specific set of skills. Watch below. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah LOLs at Steven Mnuchin, his comically 'out of touch' wife, and his boss Trump's tax plan
President Trump hasn't accomplished many of his goals yet, but the man steering his next big push, tax reform, is Treasury Secretary "and mildly satisfied LensCrafters customer" Steven Mnuchin, Trevor Noah said on Monday's Daily Show. He started his Mnuchin "profile in tremendousness" by explaining how a Goldman Sachs alumnus turned Hollywood producer and Democratic donor ended up on Trump's team. (Casually.) "Mnuchin may not have a a particularly impressive political resume, but you should see his IMDB page," Noah said. Only now he's less interested in producing Batman movies and more geared up to produce tax cuts for rich people like himself.
But you probably haven't heard Mnuchin's name mentioned in regards to tax cuts so much as his request for taxpayers to plunk down $25,000 an hour for a government jet to whisk him and his third wife, Louise Linton, off to their honeymoon in Europe, Noah said, running through that flap and an earlier one involving Linton and a government jet. "Seriously, these two are both so out of touch, it's almost beautiful," he said. "I'm so glad that they found each other. I just wish Mnuchin hadn't also found this guy," Trump, "because if you think these two are going to take care of everyday Americans, I've got one word for you: LOL." That didn't sound quite right, so he called out The Daily Show's "mean girl translator" to do it right. Watch below. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah puzzles over Trump's shifting border wall, DACA stances, decides he's bipartisan after all
After President Trump made a debt-ceiling deal with Democrats last week, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders praised his bipartisanship. "Wow, one deal, now he's Mr. Bipartisan?" Trevor Noah mused on Thursday's Daily Show. "You can't call someone a philanthropist just because they toss a quarter at a homeless person." Still, Trump was "so turned on by all of the positive press," he said, the president gave bipartisanship another go on Wednesday.
Trump, the "master negotiator" didn't "just give in to the Democrats" on DACA and not funding his border wall at Wednesday's night's dinner, "he came out sounding like they converted him," Noah said. So DACA stays, the wall doesn't, everyone's happy, he added. "Well, except for all the people who voted for him."
Trump must have noticed the outrage, because he spent all day trying to assure his supporters, not necessarily cogently. "There is an enormous wall between me and what President Trump just said," Noah said. "He sounded less like a president and more like a general contractor who's missed every deadline. Okay, from what I gather, there is no wall, but he's renovating a wall that, when complete, will become a fence, and then somebody else will pay for it?" he said, taking a stab. "I guess in many ways, Sarah Huckabee Sanders is right about Trump being bipartisan, because both sides of the country want to impeach his ass." Watch below. Peter Weber
The Miss America pageant was on Sunday — congratulations, Cara Mund — and Trevor Noah and Michelle Wolf had some thoughts about it on Tuesday's Daily Show. Wolf said she's actually a fan of beauty pageants, but found the list of qualifications too daunting to ever participate. In fact, "it's actually easier to become president than it is to become Miss America," she said. It's not just that presidents only have to be 35 and born in the U.S. — Miss America contestants also have to be talented, beautiful, and answer hard questions. They played the answer from Miss Texas about President Trump's response to the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville.
"How crazy is that?" Wolf said. "It took the president four days and three tries to give a sh---y answer to that question, and Miss Texas nailed it in 20 seconds. This is how little faith America has in its women: They have to be prettier, more talented, and smarter than the president just to get the job of waving for a year. She's going to be stuck in a parade, like, 'Glad I solved that Nazi problem. They won't even let me drive.'" She and Noah then compared Trump's answers on the Paris climate agreement and the Russia collusion investigation with those of Miss America contestants. Noah said he was impressed. "Well yeah, of course," Wolf deadpanned. "She knows that if she wins this contest, she'll be representing America to the world. That's a big responsibility."
Wolf had some nicer things to say about Trump, too. "I just figured something out," she said. "Remember how Donald Trump said he used to sneak into pageant dressing rooms? Maybe he wasn't being creepy, maybe he just needed answers." Watch. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah started Wednesday's Daily Show with a look at the all the destruction from "once in a lifetime" Hurricane Irma, following the historic devastation of Hurricane Harvey, and imagined a scenario in which ISIS could convince Republicans that human-influenced climate change is real. "But before America deals with this potential disaster, unfortunately it has to finish dealing with its current disaster," Harvey, and that involves Congress approving federal spending. As of Wednesday morning, it looked likely that dysfunctional Washington would default on its debt and shut down the government instead.
"But then, at roughly 12:30 p.m. EDT, a true miracle took place," Noah said. "The thing you would never expect to happen actually happened: Donald Trump made a deal." Not only that, he made a deal with the Democrats. "You have to admit that is super weird," he said. Republicans thought so, too, and they were furious, but enough of them will go along with it to give America a breather. "It took a hurricane to keep the government open — and staying open is square one, by the way," Noah said.
But they did it. The bad news is that it took a hurricane to make it happen, Noah said. "The good news is that there's more hurricanes coming. The bad news is that they're hurricanes. Like, at this rate, Americans are going to be hoping for natural disasters, just so their government gets s--t done. Like, who knows? In the future, instead of getting the news from the news, Americans might just be watching the weather." He imagined what such a news-weather hybrid might look like, with an assist from Michael Kosta. Watch below. Peter Weber
On Thursday's Daily Show, Trevor Noah took a hard look at a far-left group that's getting a lot of press these days. "Anti-fascist, 'antifa' — first of all, that's a great name," he began. "It's short, it's punchy — excuse the pun — and most importantly, you don't need to know how to spell 'fascist.'" But the group isn't monolithic. "Because antifa has no defined leadership, there's no clear way to know what they're actually meant to do, and not do," he said. Some of them are focused on identifying neo-Nazis so they can be held accountable later, others view antifa as a form of cosplay mixed with righteous indignation about the alt-right claiming ownership of anime and obscure Japanese video games.
There's another faction that just wants to "burn it all down," and also smash Starbucks windows, Noah said, and he sadly shook his head at their professed belief that breaking stuff would convince anyone that fascism is bad. "But the part that's been causing the most headaches is the one that's hitting people in the head," he said, circling back to last weekend's violence at an otherwise peaceful anti-racism protest in Berkeley.
"You see, now here's the real problem," Noah said. "It doesn't matter what your 'noble goal' may be, it doesn't matter what you say you're fighting for. When people see that, all they think is, 'Oh s--t, it's vegan ISIS.'" When this antifa bloc thinks "you're punching Nazis, you don't realize that you're also punching your cause," he said, and if they do realize that and just want the attention, Fox News can't get enough. "Because your opponents, they'll just use every violent incident to discredit your entire movement," Noah said, "and they make it seem like, in a world where white supremacists have a friend in the White House, the real problem is you guys." Watch below. Peter Weber