On Wednesday's Daily Show, Trevor Noah made a somewhat persuasive case that President Trump's slurred words during a speech on Jerusalem weren't a sign of something worrisome like a stroke, but a problem with his dentures. He played the clip again on Thursday's show then made a show of reprimanding his viewers when they laughed. "That's not funny," he said. "The president is very proud of how handsome he is and how young he is, and I said yesterday that he would hate it if you made fun of his dentures. We said, do not tweet #DentureDonald — we specifically said do not tweet that — but instead, somehow, #DentureDonald ended up trending, No. 3 nationwide."
"It got so big, the White House even had to address the issue," Noah added, with several officials claiming Trump's throat was just dry, including White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who added, oddly, that Trump has a physical scheduled for early next year. "Wait, a physical?" Noah said. "Now I'm even more worried." Still, he deadpanned, "it isn't helpful for us to debate if it was Trump's dentures that came loose, or if it was his dentures becoming misaligned, or some other denture-related issue — that's not the point. We may never know the tooth — the truth, sorry. But the important thing is we have to give the man some dignity." He helpfully reminded people which hashtag not to use. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah said on Thursday's Daily Show that he sometimes asks himself, "Why do we always have to talk about Trump?" — before turning the question around: "Why does he always give us something to talk about?" Noah had an answer, but first he had some fun watching Trump goof around at a rally in Missouri on Wednesday, purportedly selling the Republican tax plan.
"Trump was having so much fun, and it was so entertaining, that I almost didn't notice the blatant lies about the tax bill," Noah said, highlighting Trump's assertion that he will be worse off under the legislation. "Come on man, you're going to cash out on this like a shroom dealer at Coachella, and we all know it. The only thing we don't know fully is how much Trump benefits because, unlike Matt Lauer's penis, no one has ever seen Trump's tax returns."
But then Noah steered things in an unexpected direction: A CNN International report exposing a growing slave trade in post-Gadhafi Libya. "In 2017, you don't expect the 'breaking news' to be slave auctions are back," he said. The United Nations and world leaders took notice of the report and are investigating, but Libya questioned CNN's reporting, citing Trump's tweet attacking CNN International as "a major source of (Fake) news."
"Somehow, at the same time he's at his tax-cutting Christmas pageant in Missouri, he's also in the slave markets of Libya," Noah said, circling back to his question about Trump's attention-sucking prowess. "For years, Donald Trump has been yelling 'Fake news! Fake news,' discrediting journalism, and now, here's a real-life effect of the ideas that he tweets out. So the next time Paul Ryan or Gen. Kelly says, 'Come on, how bad can Trump's tweets be?' Well, now you know." Peter Weber
Right now, White House budget director Mick Mulvaney is the victor in the "boss fight" at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, after winning the first round of a legal fight with rival CFPB acting director Leandra English, Trevor Noah said on Wednesday's Daily Show. President Trump appointed Mulvaney to the job despite — or more likely because — Mulvaney says the CFBP, which has refunded billions of dollars to consumers from shady financial institutions, is too hard on banks, among more pointed criticism.
"They took money from banks and gave it back to the people?" Noah asked in mock outrage. "That's not how money works. Everyone knows it's: money goes into the banks, and then things happen, and then yachts." Still, "according to the Trump administration, the real victims are the banks themselves," he added, showcasing their argument, then laughing at it. "Financial institutions devastated? Trampling on capitalism? Have you seen capitalism lately? If you scroll through capitalism's Instagram feed, life is looking pretty good."
Look, by all measures, "Wall Street is already living large while so much of America is still struggling," Noah said. "And castrating the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau will only make it worse. This is one of those times when I wish that there was a political hero, someone who would stand up and say, 'I'm not going to let Wall Street get away with murder!'" He played that clip, and if you think it was Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren, well, watch below. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah is baffled by GOP tax politics, trickle-down economics, has a plan to thwart Republicans
Now that Thanksgiving is over, President Trump is packaging the massive GOP tax bill hurtling through the Senate this week as a Christmas president to Americans, Trevor Noah said on Monday's Daily Show. "Donald Trump is such a divorce dad. He spends his whole year golfing, breaking his promises, and then he thinks he can just buy our love with one big Christmas present." But whether you like his gift "depends on what kind of person you are: human or corporate," he said, or rich or not rich — because starting in a year or so, low-income and then middle-class Americans would be worse off than under current law.
"It's pretty convenient that average Americans won't be seeing those tax hikes until after the next election — that's really slick," Noah said. But Republicans insist that permanent large tax cuts for corporations and gifts for millionaires will actually help the middle class — a concept, trickle-down economics, that Noah found confusing: "This is weird to me. They want to help ordinary people, so they're giving money to corporations because maybe, eventually, it will get down to ordinary people?"
Oh, and the tax bill would add $1.4 trillion to the federal deficit, Noah added, playing clips of Republican leaders warning — when Barack Obama was president — that the federal deficit was America's biggest and most ruinous problem. "Every single time they say they hate something," Noah said, "they go and do the thing that they said they hate." Seriously, he added, "what else have Republicans just been pretending to hate? Like right now, I wouldn't be surprised if we find out that all Republicans are secretly black." But Noah had a plan to get Trump to turn against giving tax cuts to the wealthy, and all you have to do is tweet. Watch below. Peter Weber
On Tuesday, the Senate Foreign Relations Committee held hearings on whether to curtail a president's unchecked power to launch a nuclear strike. Sen. Bob Corker (R-Tenn.) insisted this has nothing to do with President Trump, specifically, but come on, Trevor Noah said on Wednesday's Daily Show. "That dude has the impulse control of the first kid to die in the Wonka factory tour. That's why they're having these meetings. And if you're looking for some reassurance about President Augustus Gloop, there is some good news," namely that Trump can't launch nuclear missiles by accidentally leaning on a button.
Still, to launch a nuclear strike, Trump only has to open up the nuclear briefcase, or "football," and punch in the codes. "I'm not one of those people who just talks, I'm about action," Noah said. "That's why during my lunch break, I decided to custom-build something — I decided to build this nuclear briefcase, just for the president," so Trump can't launch the nukes "without working hard." The last step is practically foolproof, but the Eric Trump one is pretty mean. Watch below. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah proposes a new Oscars category after Louis C.K. joins the list of alleged Hollywood perverts
Trevor Noah said on Thursday's Daily Show that he thought Facebook's proposal that you upload nude photos of yourself was "the most pervy story of the day, and then Louis C.K. said, 'Hold my penis.'" He was referring to the accounts of five women in The New York Times about C.K. masturbating in front of them or requesting to do so — allegations that prompted HBO to pull all of C.K.'s programs from their roster and axing him from an upcoming telecast.
"Like, at this point, we're going to need a new Oscar category this year: Best Actor Whose Movies We Can't Watch Anymore," Noah said. "And in fact, now that I think about it, all women in Hollywood should win double Oscars for acting like all the men were cool all along." The tsunami of sexual misconduct allegations after Harvey Weinstein's fall has gotten so big, he added, "it's getting to the point where whenever I see a beloved celebrity's name trending on Twitter, I'm like, 'Please tell me they're dead.'" Watch below. Peter Weber
There was a lot of news over the weekend from Saudi Arabia, "which is basically America's kooky rich uncle who occasionally beheads people," Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show. But "the biggest story by far is the heir to the throne, Prince Mohammed bin Salman, who has been arresting most of the other princes, a sheik-ton of them," he added, and the Saudis have "more princes than a Minneapolis Halloween party." The Saudi government is calling this a crackdown on corruption, but Noah wasn't buying it. "They're Saudi princes," he said. "What do you mean, corruption? They already have all the money."
Noah isn't alone in his suspicion that this is a brazen purge by the crown prince to consolidate power, but President Trump isn't perturbed. "Of course Trump loves this," Noah said. "Locking up political rivals is Trump's wet dream." He said Trump may not have endorsed the arrests, but the timing of Jared Kushner's visit to Saudi Arabia, right before the crackdown, was suspicious, given that Kushner and Mohammed bin Salman are friendly and reportedly stayed up to 4 a.m. talking — or in Noah's imagination, singing a modified tune from Disney's Aladdin.
This being Saudi Arabia, the situation is more complicated, and the crown prince is also a reformer, Noah said. "Sidelining the old guard could let him diversify the economy and expand women's rights. So the kingdom might become more autocratic but it also might become more free," a paradox he explored with an aside on monogamy. He ended with an unsympathetic look about the conditions the 11 detained princes are being held in. Watch below. Peter Weber
A day after an Uzbek immigrant in a truck killed eight people on a bike path in lower Manhattan, President Trump immediately pushed to scrap the Diversity Visa Lottery program. On Wednesday's Daily Show, Trevor Noah noted that Trump had reacted to last month's mass shooting in Las Vegas by saying it was too soon to talk about policies to prevent similar attacks going forward, a trick he said Trump learned from watching Fox News. He illustrated his point with a montage of Fox News characters slamming the immediate politicization of Las Vegas and then immediately politicizing the New York attack.
"Clearly for Fox, you can politicize things — as long as it's not guns," Noah said. "It's as simple as that. I bet they wouldn't even talk about guns in a game of Clue. 'It was Colonel Mustard in the study with the... you know what? It doesn't really matter.'" But then Noah veered in an unexpected direction. "Look, here's my opinion: I don't think 'politicize' needs to be a dirty word," he said. "I think tragedies like what happened in Vegas and New York City should be politicized — yeah, I said it — because politics is how society works to solve problems."
But there are bad ways to politicize, Noah said, pointing to Trump's immigration pivot. "By the way, the Diversity Visa Lottery that Donald Trump has always been against, and obviously just learned about today, it wasn't some brown-people charity scheme," he said. "In fact, it was an attempt to get more Irish immigrants into America." So sure, let's talk about the Diversity Visa Lottery, but "let's not be hypocrites," he said. Because a month after Las Vegas, Congress and the White House have done nothing at all about bump stocks or other gun measures. Watch below. Peter Weber